Divorce And The Option Of Nesting

Divorce is not a happy topic. When we get married, we all envision a wonderful and happy life. Unfortunately, many couples will split up. Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation, and 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce. Holy cow! Those are bleak statistics.

I had gone through a difficult divorce many years ago. I had two children, ages 4 and 6. (They are now well-adjusted adults, thank God). Because of the volatile circumstances, my goal was to live separately as fast as possible. Thankfully I had family and resources to do this. However, I would have liked to transition the children better if the separation had been more amicable.

Divorce can be incredibly challenging for children, especially as they navigate new living situations. There are proactive measures that parents and guardians can take to ensure their kids feel supported during the transition. I did the best I could under the stressors of a verbally abusive marriage. Although the children were very young, they seemed to understand that it would be ok.

Nesting is a way to make divorce smoother.

If your impending separation/divorce is not hostile and both parties can work things out together, the following process can be perfect. If my situation had been different many years ago with my ex-husband, I would have liked to have made the transition much different regarding my children.

Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D., is the author of The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce. Birdnesting, also called “nesting,” is an arrangement where your children remain in the family home, and the parents rotate on- and off-duty according to an agreed-upon schedule. The on-duty parent stays in the house with the children, and the off-duty parent usually leaves home to stay elsewhere. Most of the time, living part-time with family is best because of the level of caring and support.

Nesting in action

I witnessed this arrangement when I saw a child client in their home for therapy. Although it appeared awkward, the family and the children handled the transition reasonably well. As an art therapist, I worked with the youngest child to help her process the changes and what to expect as things progressed. We created fun calendars to show mommy days and daddy days. There were other projects incorporated, such as puppets to project feelings. The child responded very well.

Nesting is a practical choice for families with children, allowing them to keep consistency and stability without packing up and moving back and forth between homes. The nesting structure ensures that kids maintain proper attachments while keeping stress levels low — all the best ingredients for healthy development!

Because I worked in the client’s house, I noticed each parent’s level of maturity while in the home with their children present. They each maintained the schedules, routines, and children’s activities by co-parenting. Knowing that eventually, the parents would sell the house, the children were preparing. But while in transition, they remained comfortable in their own home.

Why should we set up nesting?

Getting some separation during a problematic marriage can provide much-needed perspective. Nesting allows you to take a step back, get reacquainted with solo parenting, and reflect on how you feel about the future of your relationship without conflict or stress getting in the way. This breathing space helps keep emotions from clouding judgment.

Setting up the nesting plan

Craft an arrangement specific to the family’s needs as couples assembles the pieces of a nesting agreement. It is wise to put together a written agreement. Negotiate mutually beneficial plans that can endure over time. Consider how to share parenting responsibilities and visitation schedules and financial management strategies like managing shared expenses or allocating resources. Remember communication protocols in case disagreements arise and guidelines on handling emergencies! Keeping these considerations at the forefront ensures everyone is cared for during this transition period — practically and emotionally.

How long should nesting be?

Nesting allows couples to remain in a shared home on their terms as they decide whether or not to reconcile. Unlike traditional cohabitation, nesting provides clearly defined parameters such as how long it will last and what steps you’ll take if one of you wants out — often with the advanced notice required from both parties. By offering stability for your children and structure during this potentially tumultuous time, many couples have opted for extended nesting periods, ranging from weeks to years.

Other considerations

1. A successful nesting plan means considering all aspects of co-parenting, from caring for your shared home when rotating in and out to addressing how you’ll handle new relationships.
2. Assist your child in creating a positive relationship with the other parent and extended family members by showing support for their visits. Fostering an enjoyable dynamic in this environment will benefit them throughout life.
3. It’s understandable to feel stressed or overwhelmed with the situation, but it is essential to stay positive and refrain from saying anything negative about your partner in front of children. Doing so can put kids into taking sides, which will do far more damage than good for their well-being.
4. Honesty is paramount in divorce, and understandably children deserve clarity. To ensure the best outcome, make sure you have thought through your comments beforehand — consider speaking with all parties if you can; this will provide stability during an unpredictable time in their life. Additionally, preparing them for changes related to living arrangements or school routines will better equip them to navigate what could otherwise be troubled waters!
5. Giving your child a safe space to share and explore their emotions regarding separation and divorce is essential. Ask open-ended questions, listen without judgment, and be willing to validate their feelings — like anxiety or resentment — even if you disagree with them. It can take time for kids of all ages to process the changes that come with life after separation; however, these intense reactions should subside as everyone grows accustomed to living apart.
6. Despite the difficulty of adapting to changes, your children must know everything will be alright. Encourage them with a new perspective. Not only can they make successful transitions in their lives, but it can also be an opportunity for growing closer together as you explore its benefits and impact.
7. Provide consistent structure and routines to ensure your child feels secure during the transition. Knowing what is happening will help build peace of mind during difficult times while still allowing for the teaching of essential responsibilities such as chores or rules.
8. Self-care is critical in dealing with a divorce. Find ways to nurture yourself by exercising, eating well, and staying connected to those closest to you. Keep a journal; writing it all down can be therapeutic. It is also worthwhile to seek professional help from counseling services; such guidance brings peace of mind for both parent and child alike as they navigate this journey together.